Sherlock Holmes and the Surge of Moriarty

The primary race on this side of the pond has us all riveted, watching so many race to achieve the nadir of politics. If  someone with more stature were in the running—we might see something like this.

The dramatic surge in the polls of Professor James Moriarty has stunned political pundits. Best known as “Sherlock Holmes’ Nemesis,” Moriarty has kept an extraordinarily low profile since his confrontational meeting with the Great Detective at Reichenbach Falls. Press reports of the professor’s death, however, have proved to be unfounded, and his resurrected primary campaign continues to gather steam.

He has agreed to be interviewed, providing that his crowds of supporters are allowed in abundant attendance.

EJDissecting room: Professor, we are astounded by both your longevity and your stamina. It has been suggested that they are due to a medical procedure similar to that described by Conan Doyle in “The Adventure of the Creeping Man?” Would you like to comment?

Professor: No—but I will. My longevity is purely due to a potent mixture of genes and genius. The “Creeping Man” story is merely a canard promulgated by a cabal of effeminate elites and their media mob.  I am appalled that you would begin an interview with a topic like that.

(cheers and applause from the crowd)

EJ: Sherlock Holmes, the eminent consulting detective, seems critical of your candidacy, and has been quoted as calling you “The greatest schemer of all time, the organizer of every devilry, the controlling brain of the underworld” and even “the Napoleon of crime.” He points out you were to compelled to resign from a previous position because of “dark rumors.”  How do you respond?

Professor: No one’s perfect. It is an issue that I confront every time it comes up, and I confront it exactly the same way every time it comes up, and people seem to be satisfied with it. I remind you, Holmes also said of me, “He is a genius, a philosopher, an abstract thinker. He has a brain of the first order . . . and is admirable in management . . .”

(cheers and applause from crowd)

EJ: In that case, if you win, would you appoint Mr. Holmes to head a crime-fighting agency?

Professor: Holmes is not nearly conservative enough and is much too inflexible. I remind you he’s one of the few public figures who has never lunched with Donald Trump. And one never sees Holmes in church. I am not perfect, but I’m right with God.

EJ: Professor, although you have asked publicly for courteous debate, you have called one of your opponents a “pompous, posturing pustule,” another “a sanctimonious, self-righteous slug,” and a third a “vacuous vacillating vapidity.” Don’t you think issuing  such aggressive remarks might be described as hypocritical?

Professor: Not all—Actually, I was merely indulging my penchant for understatement. Any suggestion of hypocrisy is a sign of gutter politics and the destructive, negative nature of much of the news media.

(Cheers and applause from crowd)

EJ: Professor, It has been reported that you forced your canine companion to travel tied to the top of your carriage. Is this true? If it is, what were you thinking?

Professor: “Baskerville,″ as he’s called, enjoys riding up there when he’s not roaming across the moor. He’s half hound, half mastiff, and drools phosphorus. We have to stop at gas stations all the time to clean it up. He’s in an air-tight crate of my design. It has a windshield.

EJ: If the crate is air-tight, how can he breathe?

Professor: That’s precisely the sort of gotcha question typical of a hostile rapacious press busily promoting class envy.

(Cheers and applause)

EJ: What do you consider the biggest obstacles to world peace?

Professor: Excessive education, contraception, and rampant health care.

EJ: Thank you, professor.

As always, pursuing verity,

E. J. Wagner

Pursuing Verity

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