Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Selling Sherlock Holmes

March 31, 2012

Sherlockian scholars have been electrified by the entirely unsubstantiated report that Pulsating Productions is mounting an innovative TV series starring Jackie Mason as  Sherlock Holmes.  Oprah Winfrey and Madelaine Albright are to alternate in the role of Watson, and in a  creative break with tradition, Irene Adler will be played by a newly svelte and contrite Arnold Schwartzeneger.

The part of Inspector Lestrade is not yet cast, although Callista Gingrich is said slated to portray Mrs. Hudson.

Both independent booksellers in the western world took the news philosophically.  “If it sells books, it’s a gift !” said one dealer, as with trembling hands he unpacked a large carton of deerstalkers.

EJ Dissecting Room  hopes to reach out to internationally known  experts such as Les Klinger, Peter Blau, and Roger Johnson for their take on the matter.

Stay tuned.

EJ Wagner

As always,

Pursuing Verity

Pursuing Verity

Sherlock Holmes and the Surge of Moriarty

January 30, 2012

The primary race on this side of the pond has us all riveted, watching so many race to achieve the nadir of politics. If  someone with more stature were in the running—we might see something like this.

The dramatic surge in the polls of Professor James Moriarty has stunned political pundits. Best known as “Sherlock Holmes’ Nemesis,” Moriarty has kept an extraordinarily low profile since his confrontational meeting with the Great Detective at Reichenbach Falls. Press reports of the professor’s death, however, have proved to be unfounded, and his resurrected primary campaign continues to gather steam.

He has agreed to be interviewed, providing that his crowds of supporters are allowed in abundant attendance.

EJDissecting room: Professor, we are astounded by both your longevity and your stamina. It has been suggested that they are due to a medical procedure similar to that described by Conan Doyle in “The Adventure of the Creeping Man?” Would you like to comment?

Professor: No—but I will. My longevity is purely due to a potent mixture of genes and genius. The “Creeping Man” story is merely a canard promulgated by a cabal of effeminate elites and their media mob.  I am appalled that you would begin an interview with a topic like that.

(cheers and applause from the crowd)

EJ: Sherlock Holmes, the eminent consulting detective, seems critical of your candidacy, and has been quoted as calling you “The greatest schemer of all time, the organizer of every devilry, the controlling brain of the underworld” and even “the Napoleon of crime.” He points out you were to compelled to resign from a previous position because of “dark rumors.”  How do you respond?

Professor: No one’s perfect. It is an issue that I confront every time it comes up, and I confront it exactly the same way every time it comes up, and people seem to be satisfied with it. I remind you, Holmes also said of me, “He is a genius, a philosopher, an abstract thinker. He has a brain of the first order . . . and is admirable in management . . .”

(cheers and applause from crowd)

EJ: In that case, if you win, would you appoint Mr. Holmes to head a crime-fighting agency?

Professor: Holmes is not nearly conservative enough and is much too inflexible. I remind you he’s one of the few public figures who has never lunched with Donald Trump. And one never sees Holmes in church. I am not perfect, but I’m right with God.

EJ: Professor, although you have asked publicly for courteous debate, you have called one of your opponents a “pompous, posturing pustule,” another “a sanctimonious, self-righteous slug,” and a third a “vacuous vacillating vapidity.” Don’t you think issuing  such aggressive remarks might be described as hypocritical?

Professor: Not all—Actually, I was merely indulging my penchant for understatement. Any suggestion of hypocrisy is a sign of gutter politics and the destructive, negative nature of much of the news media.

(Cheers and applause from crowd)

EJ: Professor, It has been reported that you forced your canine companion to travel tied to the top of your carriage. Is this true? If it is, what were you thinking?

Professor: “Baskerville,″ as he’s called, enjoys riding up there when he’s not roaming across the moor. He’s half hound, half mastiff, and drools phosphorus. We have to stop at gas stations all the time to clean it up. He’s in an air-tight crate of my design. It has a windshield.

EJ: If the crate is air-tight, how can he breathe?

Professor: That’s precisely the sort of gotcha question typical of a hostile rapacious press busily promoting class envy.

(Cheers and applause)

EJ: What do you consider the biggest obstacles to world peace?

Professor: Excessive education, contraception, and rampant health care.

EJ: Thank you, professor.

As always, pursuing verity,

E. J. Wagner

Pursuing Verity

Dear Author

September 29, 2009

Publishing a book brings a writer invitations to speak. These occasions can be great fun—but often one runs into something like this.

Dear Author,

We at the International Footnote Society are thrilled that you have agreed to address our 900th annual meeting and to sign copies of your book Homicide, Hiccups and Humidor.

In order to insure that your presentation has the success it deserves, we need the following information:

Visual Aids

Please indicate if you intend to use slides, Power Point, video, or ventilator.
Please be aware that any laptop you bring must be between 40 and 60 inches long, may not have more than 20 fungibytes, and may be confiscated.
If flash drive is used, it must be compatible with our operating system (Robozoomer 22.8) .

Check which you require:
__Microphone.
__Bullhorn
__Podium
__Little box to stand on.
__Larger box

Travel arrangements – Indicate your preferences

Preferred flight time in order of preference
__4:40 AM,
__5:14 AM

Flight seating preference
__Interior
__Exterior

Choice of food on flight
__Water
__Other

(Please note: to avoid possible misunderstandings, we ask our speakers not to utilize the airport men’s room.)

Hotel accommodations

Check one:
__Bed
__Chair

In the event you must share living accommodations, which of the following do you find most tolerable in a roommate? Please rate according to preference:
__Funny sleep noises
__Digestive issues
__Mild paranoia
__Hairiness.

Meals

We are pleased to cover your meals for the twenty-four hour period you will be with us. A Burger King is just a quick stroll from your hotel, right next to the Taco Bell.  The porter will direct you. He may be found in the basement next to the ice machine. Unfortunately, there is no room service, but water and Hot Pockets are available from 10 to 12 PM in the lobby.

Travel expenses
We will reserve hotel and plane, but ask you to arrange travel to the airport and related matters. To be reimbursed, please save all receipts and used napkins. Make sure everything is itemized and include your mother’s earliest known address. Bring your own pens.

Your presentation will begin at 6:15 AM, and should be roughly 2 hours and 10 minutes long. Allow time for questions and bathroom breaks.

We are absolutely thrilled to have you on our program. We are sure the event will prove unforgettable.

Yours sincerely,
H. Ichabod Ibid, Ph. D.